take the time to look within u

there's a lot of thing in this world that we dont really know about, a new place, new food, new stuff and perhaps the new side of an old friend that we never even bother to take time and see it...we often take our friends for granted and  i meant myself, we had always expecting them to be in our side, to back us up whenever we are in trouble...but let's be honest, ask yourself are you a perfect friend for your friends?

scared?

sometimes i wonder, will i ever be the same person as i was? will it be okay for me to move on and forget about the past but, if i do isn't that suppose to mean that i need to let it all go? let my past that had shaped me go away? if i let it go will it be even better? honestly, i myself are not sure of the outcome. i am scared of moving on, i am scared of forgetting every bits that makes me who i am...and i am truly scared of losing my inner self...the person i used to be...what will i do to tarnish these feelings ? i will never know.

sometimes you just scared that someone might use you for their gain and what is worst that you letting them doing that knowing it would kill you later, i have been into these kinda state before and it did not go so well. i have been used a couple of times, mentally and physically..and im breaking all the rules by telling this publicly...this is a secret that suppose to be keep out from anyone knowing it or to smell it. Honestly, how can one live with knowing himself had been feasting by some inhuman creature only to please them? been treated as something less than animal...

i need to get this thing outta of my mind, it is not healthy and it is not something i want to grow up with...but i was too late...i was damn too late to take the action...i was a coward and i let myself to indulge in that disgusting action....and now i don't know what stopping me from doing it all over again...i am restraining myself from falling all over again...but lately i find myself dying trying to stop myself..can i even stop this madness...

Don't lose your essence!

Though life is harsh, pull yourself together and keep on walking to the future. Never stops your journey halfway, let the pain be your teacher as you gain experience through the hard way. When you reach the highest strata of the pyramid, immerse yourself in humbleness and integrity values, don't you ever forget who yourself is.

to abah and mak: 

p/s i miss you, al-fatihah

Losing myself

Im just tired with myself....i cant discipline my attitude, my thinking sucks and i believe that im falling backwards! what is worst i dont even care about it. Oh dear, this is the attitude i have been avoiding...urgghhhh i need shut this attitude away!! GET AWAY u freaky, lazy ME!!! i need a balance person in me to make things organize....but with everything happening now i dont think it will be that easy...i just dont want to lose myself...

they say this, we prove that...

crazy week aite~~

5 more days to go and b4 that Assalammualykum...

i kept thinking bout my mom, what will happen to her after this..she seems to be CLUELESS.

I wanted the best for her and she wanted the same for me, she wants me to focus on my study which i doubt i will...but with all that happened i cant back down yet. Not at this rate.

TM, hmmm is hard for me to tell you bout TM serius! nothng special bout it to those yg mmg xleh hidup dgn gadget...for me TM serve as the best place to relieve one tension, SERIUS. Kalu nk mandi sungai, off ja ke Sg Samak, kalu nk berkayak...lepak ja kt tasik PCity..mmg best la TM, yg xbestnya xsemua benda tu kita buleh buat..time constraint and lack off friends (yg lasak) mbantut semua tu...

i still remember what my lecturer said to us in our 1st semester, Mrs Napisah... 

"They said UPSI student have no social life, change that"

that is why i wanted to create my own life, a life that is free from fakers and crybabies, a life that i can look back and not regretting the thing i've done...that one life meant for me.

what kind of life do u want?

Crazy?

alahaii..semua kawan2 dah start mood nk balik TM..yang aku ni dulu ria2 sangt nk balik..skarang ni dah rasa malas nk pikiaq pasai upsi, stadi n degree...la ni semua serba xkena..kat mana aku pusing mesti sangkut..to be honest aku pun dah penat la nk go on dgn semua ni...putting a smile on your face while deep inside you're in pain..its not that easy man...

aku kalau bleh mmg nk lupakn semua kisah silam, mmg betul2 nk move on..tpi every time i've tried, it will only stomp me back..aku ni dah betul2 celaru pikiran dan aku xperlukn benda remeh untuk mencelarukan lagi...aku ni bukan jenis manusia yg suka memikirkan apa yg org pikir, dan aku paling rimas bila ada manusia yg tak reti akan maksud "drop it" as if drop the matter, i dont want to prolong things..aku ada benda yg lebih penting kalau nk dibandingkn dgn hal perasaan n hati...seriously AKU MUAL!

dan aku pun sebnarnya sick with myself la...sbb perangai hippo aku datang blik..kalula berkemampuan aku utk sepak muka aku ni,, dah lama doh aku buat...tpi skarang ni aku tgk diri aku makin malas, aku xmarah kt org lain aku cuma FURiOUS dgn diri sendiri...xmampu nk jaga diri...

lately, a lot of things happened and i dont expect anyone to notice it..dan aku sendiri rasakn lbih baik kalu org luar xpayah nk interfere dgn privasi aku unless aku sndiri yg come forward..dan i really appreciate kalau cerita yg aku ceritakan tidak diceritakan kpd org lain...my story, keep it private...

again i felt stupid with my action, so start dari skarang i have to create boundaries...mmg la seronok tgk org sronok...tpi apa yg seronok kalu keseronokan org lain come with a price...

p/s: rindu abah, al-fatihah...

Reunion and Raya!

Shaggy, Messy and Chill~

Creating a new persona in leading a new life.

Assalammualykum my friends,

I walk through these days with a blank mind, but deep inside tingling a pinch of hope that all these things would only be a nightmare.

Lately, life has been quite normal, i manage to pull myself together, however to keep myself in order proves to be a challenge. 

It's been a month and 9 days since abah left us, he died due to 2nd heart attack which left us dumbfounded about it. I find it hard to verbally express myself in public hence blogging seems to be a good medium. It's been too long i used to blog, i thought my life was in its perfectly arrange order, but late tragedy prove otherwise.

I left my conscious behind with my sanity back in the hospital, living like a zombie, nodding every words they said and mumbling every time people ask for response. I don't know what to do anymore and i don't have someone to turn to. Having all these thing clinging around me making it impossible for me to breathe in air. All of these congested, dark history of my past and family really taken me hard.

I wanted to chase everything out and find someone i can rely on, but no one seems to understand or even try to or maybe they did but i was too blind to see.

Thinking a lot of things would do me no good, i don't want to blame it on fate that let what happen happened, certainly i will not shift the blame to someone else. But i have always wondering why us? Why it has to be my mother and father and why me?

Do they know how hard for mom and dad to raise them?

How shame they were when 'it' happened?

 How ungrateful a child can be?

After all these silly question,  

i found this...

 

to abah: al-fatihah and i miss you...

Nothing in Comparison...

A father's love is equal to your mother's...

Assalammualykum my friends,

Ramadhan is leaving, and i didn't do my best in this madrasah al-mubarak..what a waste. I'll never know whether i would live long enough to have another Ramadhan, but if i do, i will do it with all my heart. 

I miss my abah dearly, i miss the moment where he would be in the living room, greeting me every time my face pops out in front of the door, every moment i woke up from my deep sleep, and every second he was around to share knowledge and thinking. I took him for granted. Now, regrets approaching.

When he was alive, i had always compared him in my thoughts to someone else father, how i wish he would be a great dad who loves us dearly, who would show his love by buying us gifts and present. A father that a son can be proud of. I was naive to understand that.Too naive.

I can never understand a father's love, his love towards his children, the children that he grew with joy and sorrow. 

 As Syawal approaching, my wishes to everyone a very "Happy Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir dan Batin"

 

and to abah: al-fatihah,and i miss you.

p/s: i'm PROUD of you!

Be strong!

I miss my Abah. Al-fatihah for Abah.

Assalammualykum,

Hey everyone, I have nothing to blog right now, everything seems to be blank whenever i'm on keyboard..it wasn't like this when i'm doing nothing. Inspiration slipped away. Bummer.

Anyway i do have few things to point our here, i don't know how am i suppose to deliver my wrecked thoughts here...everything is messy. First i was thinking about my doing these days, i do feel like the 'titanic' sinking down after damaged by "the iceberg". Honestly, i am confused and the only thing i feel appropriate now is to be quiet and gentle with everyone.  I wanna talk to someone about it, but to whom? It is damn tiring having to debate with yourself, and the motion wont develop so with the idea.

I thought i'm strong enough to face this!

Other times, i don't really have feeling and everything just fall on its place so it doesn't bother me much. Sigh, i'm reaching my limits here, don't really have anything left to say...

And again , i'm confused about my friends status...most of them had some misunderstanding going on and i can't really side with anyone so i'm being neutral here..again! This is frustrating, not to see everyone together.

So, peace out!

p/s: i'm getting rusty!

Feel, Felt.

Will it be difficult to forget your loved ones? I never felt this kind a feeling before, but i had always seen it in dramas and stuff, it full with crap i thought. Now, i see it in real life. My life.

I'm numb, so i won't be feeling anything for the rest of my life.

Gone!

Shocking news of my father's death really hit me hard, i don't know whether i can laugh anymore. It's Ramadhan, a holy month where all muslim devotes themselves to hunger and thirst in order to fulfill one of the five pillars. Little do non-muslim knows, fasting month does not mean that one must stop from eating and drinking alone, but it is more than that. It suppose to be a month where we muslim can clean our soul and purify our sinned heart. To me, i love Ramadhan. However, i doubt it will ever be the same.


xoxo.

Random post...

Assalammualykum,

Aha! it has been so long i havent post anything here, there's not much of time, no inspirational, trouble, trouble, trouble....lol, Sigh, heavy hurdle...it feels like there's a big boulder on shoulder that had been lifted...i feel free now and a bit out focus cause i stil have some issue with myself... to sum up my last few weeks...now im on exam mode, yesterday i had my durian and it was simply awesome..  going to have another go today....and the best of all, i lose my bestfriend, again! i think that sums up everything, no need for details...it just sort of happened and to be honest i dont even know why...so im just gonna let go and close this chapter for this semester, that brings nothing but pure pain...and i like to call it the break up semester where everyone is ending their relationship...yep i can just list all break ups here but i think it would better be private...well now i hope everything will go as planned....today is falsafah n tomorrow wacana n kenegaraan the day after then ill b free with nothing to do....future plan...? havent thought bout it..arghhhh im too lazy to read!!!!!!!

Friends or no Friends...

It's been months i refuses myself to blog anymore, had been struggling with conflicts, desire, and sort of  usual thing i have been through...but now everything seems foolish. Each time taken out from me has been really meaningful and honestly i say, i enjoyed every moment of it. Nevertheless, i think it's the best time for me to diminish all of these relationship i have. I will have to walk alone, again. The time has come for me to think about myself and indulge in my own welfare, as it would be selfish for me to neglect my own needs and my own desire just to please others. I need to be more concern of what my own thoughts think of me, rather letting myself manipulated by other thinking, i AM better than this. Friends or no friends, i have to face the music.

Mak maafkan adik, adik tewas...

Mak maafkan adik,
Adik gagal menunai permintaan mak,
Mak suruh adik belajar,
Tapi adik main....

Mak maafkan adik,
Adik gagal dalam memegang janji,
Adik janji dengan mak nak bawa balik segulung ijazah,
Tapi adik gagal...

Mak maafkan adik,
Adik gagal jadi orang yang berguna,
Mak laburkan duit untuk adik kesekolah supaya jadi orang baik,
Tapi adik tetap dengan perangai bodoh adik...

Adik tahu,
Mak dah banyak bersusah payah membesarkan kami sembilan beradik,
Mak dah banyak berkorban untuk kami semua,
Mak dah banyak telan tohmahan orang kampung atas dosa kami semua,

Mak gadai harta mak,
sebab nak tengok adik masuk U,
Mak habiskan simpanan mak,
semata-mata nak kami merasa apa yang mak ketinggalan,
Mak bersekang mata jahit baju yang upahnya tiga ringgit sehelai,
sebab nak kami berjaya didunia dan akhirat...
 Tapi...
Apa yang adik balas?
Apa yang mak dapat?
 
Mak maafkan adik, mak...
Adik tak mampu lagi,
tak mampu menanggung tanggungjawab ni lagi, mak...
Adik tewas.

31st March, 10:11 AM
by Nazri Noor