someone to look up to

when i think about my life, i've always thought having the perfect role model for myself. someone that i can look up to. but the thing is that i dont think i have the right one to be or should i say i have nobody to look up to. of course there will always be my teachers, lecturers and seniors...but how far would any of them willing to spend their time on me. filling me with knowledge and wisdom. NOT A SINGLE MINUTE. to me a role model is not just a person we look to or someone that we set as an example for us to follow. a role model is more than that, they are the one who guides us whenever we need wisdom and guidance.i really need someone who can help me solve all my problems. someone who were able to dig out the thing that i, myself wouldn't able to give.

Ramadhan Day 5

Without realizing how time flown by, it has been exactly 5 days of Ramadhan and honestly speaking I didn’t even notice it. Yes, time due fly when you are having fun aite? Nevertheless, I don’t really know whether I want the time to pass me just like that. It seems wasted. Five days of Ramadhan and not a single page of Quran I have read and this is just plain stupid. We all have been reminded in every part of our life by many medium and still we take it for granted. I just don’t know how on earth I should move this arse and focus on what’ll benefits me after. Sitting here and do nothing isn’t exactly a brilliant plan but what else could I do? I’m the type that goes to mosque five times per day. I want to but it’s heavy. Too heavy.

Ok, perhaps I should fix that part.

eh?

blogging seems to be out of my reach these days, last time i posted something that is so stupid that reading it back made me puke. i hate it when i went nuts on stupid things. i just hate that personality. there is no mysterious in it, no glamor. zzzzz. yes, im that type of person that crave for attention. LOL. and i like water. who doesn't?

i know this sem break suppose to be my time off with my inner-self. but i couldn't help the fact that i really miss being happy. i dont know why but somehow, i think of myself as someone who doesnt deserve to be happy. i'm just that one guy who will going to be sad for his entire life, being flip over and over again. aint that sad? i think it sad that it makes me tinklish. i hate being sad. but if being sad make me sane, guess i have to live with it.

it's not like being happy is wrong, but being happy with the wrong person can backfire on yourself. im just saying the facts. i've experienced it. and it end up badly. im still recovering from the pain which i dont know what caused it. i thought it was my fault. perhaps it is. i dont know. i'll never know. im just being "OVERLY DRAMATIC". everything i do, did always end up being "OVERLY DRAMATIC". it's like im that one loser who needs your attention and approval. i am certainly NOT. and i dont appreciate that thought. i cant believe it. hoe over buds. this is nuts. i am nuts!

STUPID ME.

i thought of becoming someone else, and run away from here but then i realize that running away is not the solution and believe me when i said that. i just want to be accepted. people might say that u r somebody, but they dont know the truth. i am not. and i just want a friend that can enjoy his/her time with me without having to feel obligated in taking care of me. i dont need that. i have my brothers doing that. and they're doing well. too well. i need a friend or friends who are not afraid to jump over the cliff and bungee jumping with me. friends that no matter what happen stood up for me and sweep me off my sense just to save my ass.friends that dont leave u when they found their so call 'soulmate'. friends who just being friends.

i know im asking too much. but perhaps i do need  to change myself before demanding such requests. i dont mind change for the best. perhaps i do need to change. change is good. change is healthy. but not sex change. that is sooooooo not COOL.

well guess my crappy session ends here. i hope i can do better and live better.before i die.

Help me friends.

Would it be easy to die? im not quite sure. i used to think that people who commit suicide out of heartbreak is stupid. but now im not so sure about it. i never knew that love can be so painful, i have always laugh at those who fell in love and break up.. and end up hating each other. i always belittle them. but now, it happend to me. im heartbroken. i find this very stupid, for letting myself to love someone and what hurts even more is that i knew that this love will never work. but i was to stupid to understand that. i let my guard down. now my heart is no longer in one piece.

i guess this is how my sister felt when she was turned down by that fucking dude. she had it worst than mine. now she need to raise her baby alone. i am lucky, aren't i? but why i feel like im losing something. have loose something genuinely important to me? i loose myself?

Will Allah still accept me, eventhough i'd sinned so many times. i am scare. every moment i feel like committing suicide. every waking moment is painful to me. all the things i've work for, feels like nothing. Oh, Allah, is this what i am to them? is this the beginning of my punishment? i cant take it anymore. Oh Allah, lend me strength to go through all this. i am in no power to move without your will. please forgive my sins oh Allah Almighty. Grant me a path to lead me back to your path Allah. I can no longer continue this road without you, Ya Allah. Help me.

Help me Allah, help me friends. I indeed need your help, i cannot do this anymore. Im crushed. Please, i cant hold this suffering no longer. I dont know what to do.

i complaint!

Man, what a hectic day, assalammualykum peeps,

what cha doin?

This semester proves to be tougher than the last two, i had rough time coping with it. Plus i manage to stay sane throughout this 2 days attending classes. Classes are quite ok..i think. I don't really have the "clashes or rushing" cases that had been bothering the other groups, mine is in perfectly order.

However, the content are really tricky and mind consuming, or at least to me. I think it demand a lot of my efforts. KPP 301* for example, during the class i was having trouble to response and understanding the situation given as well as the explanation. From what i heard, i believe that the lecturer (Dr. Hjh Apetah?) keep on repeating and stressing about the theories such as psychodynamic theory, behaviorism theory that strongly discuss about the children development. 

 Well in this course, it demand our critical thinking in analyzing students development as well as finding a solution based on the theories studied to overcome the growing problem. I think i'll be able to ace this subject, no worries here. :)) teehee!

Another is the Drama subject, sigh...life i full with dramas, that's what i want to response to the lecturer which is Mr Lajiman (his real name) on what is drama. You know to me drama is just a play written by author in portraying issues around them and show it to the audience in a way that is non-offensive at the same time effective. But then again, the true definition according to thefreedictionary.com, a prose or verse composition, especially one telling a serious story, that is intended for representation by actors impersonating the characters and performing the dialogue and action.

what!! quite the same laaa....

i know posting this in a formal way will make it a lil bit cliche but i need to polish my english back, since i have not use it for a very long time... and it is crucial for me to get 4.00 this semester. Here you go, i set my aim and i'll achieve it.

Love to post more, but i have

things to do~

 

Life just being Life

What the hell, if no one likes what i did and will do let them be, i am not here to please them (oh the irony). I'm just freaking clueless with the assignment right now, my progress is nowhere near done oh, this is not great, this is not productive! What should i do to actually start doing it? 

The feeling of accomplishment, is not something that i always have. Everything i did, all of it, seems to me just another lucky charm cast upon me, i don't know for the past years of my life the accomplishment i have made, was is just luck or am i actually accomplished something? I studied, but no, i don't remember anything from my study. Everything seems to be a piece of crap! I don't feel like i have achieve anything. So, what is my real achievement?

Great, thinking way back does not help me at all. I need motivation, MY own motivation not others asserted into my head! I don't want those "You are the last hope of our family", "It's for your own good!" kind of motivation. I don't think they motivate me enough! What to do then? I wake up everyday despite its morning or evening, with nothing particular in my mind. Just another routine day for me, it went by without any special things going on. 

I want to have that real University life, where adventure and friends goes together side by side but, what i have now (i'm not trying to be ungrateful) is something that i have been trying to evade for so long. I used to be very energetic in doing something, well i think i am now but not always, cause there will be something or someone that will rip it out from me. I feel like beating down myself to crap for taking everything what life threw at me. 

I'm going to be an adult, so i should start like one too. But, these habits they are not that easy to kill, it needs time and support from family and friends. The most important part, they need me to always be in good shape physically, mentally and emotionally. I need to be the boss of my body and mind, i shouldn't let myself being to vulnerable, fragile and idiotic. Time will always move forward, it is matter of time when my time will stop ticking. I will never know when.

My Bullsheetness

Yes, i do have wasted my entire time with GLEE and frankly speaking there is a little bit of regrets inside me. The feeling you get after everything you did seems worthless. Maybe not that little but, yeah i do feel it sometimes. Especially when i kinda going on a different direction from where my destiny should be. Well you know what i'm saying? Not feeling into it? Really? Whatever =.="

Speaking about destiny, hmmm... that's a tough thing to talk about. When i was a kid, i've always thought that when i graduated from high school, i would end up being the KB losers! You know those people who don't have anything to do after their school era. I've seen this thing happened over and over and over again. I've seen how my seniors flunked out of high school, ruined their SPM year with stupid, uneducated pranks and end up being the water boy at some old coffee stall. People, i am not insulting what they do or anything, it's just that these youngster have a future that could help them survive this cruel, merciless society. But seeing them throwing away their future just for a cigarette or top up card, this is just stupid. Students flunking out from school will only lead to another worst, inexplicable results. They could be criminals. Yeah, try to think it this way

NO CERTIFICATES/SKILLS  => NO ONE HIRING THEM => NO JOB => NO MONEY => NO FOOD => HUNGRY => WANT TO EAT => BUT NO MONEY => DESPERATE => ROB AN OLD LADY => GOT BEATEN DOWN BY THAT OLD LADY => END UP IN PRISON => IF YOU LUCKY NO ONE WILL TOUCH YOU => IF NOT, YOU'LL SEE => GET OUT FROM PRISON => BAD RECORD => NO ONE WILL HIRE YOU AGAIN => AND THE CYCLE CONTINUES.

However, flunking out from school doesn't make one a loser. And i'm drained.

i am a scumbag

i had ruined my life. for quite a number of years i have been trying to keep balance in my life, to make it smooth for me and everyone else. but now, i dont think i can do it anymore, for i had ruined my life for nothing to gain. i had jeopardized my own future and broke every promise i'd made.  i do not know the reason of my behavior. i have becoming too dull, idle and ignorant. i am not what i used to be. is this the consequences? the effects? the outcome to my selfishness? have i not be a good person for quite some time? am i not worthy of a good future? i thought i was a good man but, i was WRONG. I was never a good man, i was and still am the man who seek advantage from the weak. Prey for luxury. I am a bad, wicked, sneaky person. I dont deserve a friend. Apparently, i dont deserve anything! I dont deserve to be treated like a fair human being, i am merely an animal trapped in a human form. YES, i am not worthy of this luxury, pleasure and friendship. I am best ALONE. Best to be leave alone and hated by everyone. For everything i'd done bring nothing but misery and failure. I am a failure, an omen to people around me. Even death distance himself from me. What am i, really meant in this world?