Crazy?

alahaii..semua kawan2 dah start mood nk balik TM..yang aku ni dulu ria2 sangt nk balik..skarang ni dah rasa malas nk pikiaq pasai upsi, stadi n degree...la ni semua serba xkena..kat mana aku pusing mesti sangkut..to be honest aku pun dah penat la nk go on dgn semua ni...putting a smile on your face while deep inside you're in pain..its not that easy man...

aku kalau bleh mmg nk lupakn semua kisah silam, mmg betul2 nk move on..tpi every time i've tried, it will only stomp me back..aku ni dah betul2 celaru pikiran dan aku xperlukn benda remeh untuk mencelarukan lagi...aku ni bukan jenis manusia yg suka memikirkan apa yg org pikir, dan aku paling rimas bila ada manusia yg tak reti akan maksud "drop it" as if drop the matter, i dont want to prolong things..aku ada benda yg lebih penting kalau nk dibandingkn dgn hal perasaan n hati...seriously AKU MUAL!

dan aku pun sebnarnya sick with myself la...sbb perangai hippo aku datang blik..kalula berkemampuan aku utk sepak muka aku ni,, dah lama doh aku buat...tpi skarang ni aku tgk diri aku makin malas, aku xmarah kt org lain aku cuma FURiOUS dgn diri sendiri...xmampu nk jaga diri...

lately, a lot of things happened and i dont expect anyone to notice it..dan aku sendiri rasakn lbih baik kalu org luar xpayah nk interfere dgn privasi aku unless aku sndiri yg come forward..dan i really appreciate kalau cerita yg aku ceritakan tidak diceritakan kpd org lain...my story, keep it private...

again i felt stupid with my action, so start dari skarang i have to create boundaries...mmg la seronok tgk org sronok...tpi apa yg seronok kalu keseronokan org lain come with a price...

p/s: rindu abah, al-fatihah...

Reunion and Raya!

Shaggy, Messy and Chill~

Creating a new persona in leading a new life.

Assalammualykum my friends,

I walk through these days with a blank mind, but deep inside tingling a pinch of hope that all these things would only be a nightmare.

Lately, life has been quite normal, i manage to pull myself together, however to keep myself in order proves to be a challenge. 

It's been a month and 9 days since abah left us, he died due to 2nd heart attack which left us dumbfounded about it. I find it hard to verbally express myself in public hence blogging seems to be a good medium. It's been too long i used to blog, i thought my life was in its perfectly arrange order, but late tragedy prove otherwise.

I left my conscious behind with my sanity back in the hospital, living like a zombie, nodding every words they said and mumbling every time people ask for response. I don't know what to do anymore and i don't have someone to turn to. Having all these thing clinging around me making it impossible for me to breathe in air. All of these congested, dark history of my past and family really taken me hard.

I wanted to chase everything out and find someone i can rely on, but no one seems to understand or even try to or maybe they did but i was too blind to see.

Thinking a lot of things would do me no good, i don't want to blame it on fate that let what happen happened, certainly i will not shift the blame to someone else. But i have always wondering why us? Why it has to be my mother and father and why me?

Do they know how hard for mom and dad to raise them?

How shame they were when 'it' happened?

 How ungrateful a child can be?

After all these silly question,  

i found this...

 

to abah: al-fatihah and i miss you...

Nothing in Comparison...

A father's love is equal to your mother's...

Assalammualykum my friends,

Ramadhan is leaving, and i didn't do my best in this madrasah al-mubarak..what a waste. I'll never know whether i would live long enough to have another Ramadhan, but if i do, i will do it with all my heart. 

I miss my abah dearly, i miss the moment where he would be in the living room, greeting me every time my face pops out in front of the door, every moment i woke up from my deep sleep, and every second he was around to share knowledge and thinking. I took him for granted. Now, regrets approaching.

When he was alive, i had always compared him in my thoughts to someone else father, how i wish he would be a great dad who loves us dearly, who would show his love by buying us gifts and present. A father that a son can be proud of. I was naive to understand that.Too naive.

I can never understand a father's love, his love towards his children, the children that he grew with joy and sorrow. 

 As Syawal approaching, my wishes to everyone a very "Happy Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir dan Batin"

 

and to abah: al-fatihah,and i miss you.

p/s: i'm PROUD of you!

Be strong!

I miss my Abah. Al-fatihah for Abah.

Assalammualykum,

Hey everyone, I have nothing to blog right now, everything seems to be blank whenever i'm on keyboard..it wasn't like this when i'm doing nothing. Inspiration slipped away. Bummer.

Anyway i do have few things to point our here, i don't know how am i suppose to deliver my wrecked thoughts here...everything is messy. First i was thinking about my doing these days, i do feel like the 'titanic' sinking down after damaged by "the iceberg". Honestly, i am confused and the only thing i feel appropriate now is to be quiet and gentle with everyone.  I wanna talk to someone about it, but to whom? It is damn tiring having to debate with yourself, and the motion wont develop so with the idea.

I thought i'm strong enough to face this!

Other times, i don't really have feeling and everything just fall on its place so it doesn't bother me much. Sigh, i'm reaching my limits here, don't really have anything left to say...

And again , i'm confused about my friends status...most of them had some misunderstanding going on and i can't really side with anyone so i'm being neutral here..again! This is frustrating, not to see everyone together.

So, peace out!

p/s: i'm getting rusty!

Feel, Felt.

Will it be difficult to forget your loved ones? I never felt this kind a feeling before, but i had always seen it in dramas and stuff, it full with crap i thought. Now, i see it in real life. My life.

I'm numb, so i won't be feeling anything for the rest of my life.

Gone!

Shocking news of my father's death really hit me hard, i don't know whether i can laugh anymore. It's Ramadhan, a holy month where all muslim devotes themselves to hunger and thirst in order to fulfill one of the five pillars. Little do non-muslim knows, fasting month does not mean that one must stop from eating and drinking alone, but it is more than that. It suppose to be a month where we muslim can clean our soul and purify our sinned heart. To me, i love Ramadhan. However, i doubt it will ever be the same.


xoxo.