the joker is so cruel.

i lost my wallet with all my belongings; mycard, atm cards, my personal information...everything. but the important thing that tied me to the lost is the fact that the wallet is the only thing that reminds me of my late father, a fragment of him that i always hold dearly. i feel really bad of losing his stuff. a part of me wants to jump from this building and let myself suffer but then it would be stupid and gonna cause a hell lot of drama. i dont really care about the items inside the wallet, truth is i feel stupid for losing something that important to me. i hate it, i hate myself. i know memories are one thing that linger in your mind but a medium is one thing that strengthen the memories. i lost one thing that reminds me of him and now, i lost another. idiot.

although i wanted to say more, i dont think i should dwell on this anymore. everything happens for a good reason. i still have ALLAH with me. that is one thing i do not want to lose. i dont care if my housemate treat me like crap or my roommate decide to take his own way in time i need him the most. i just dont care. i come here alone and let me leave here alone.

someone to look up to

when i think about my life, i've always thought having the perfect role model for myself. someone that i can look up to. but the thing is that i dont think i have the right one to be or should i say i have nobody to look up to. of course there will always be my teachers, lecturers and seniors...but how far would any of them willing to spend their time on me. filling me with knowledge and wisdom. NOT A SINGLE MINUTE. to me a role model is not just a person we look to or someone that we set as an example for us to follow. a role model is more than that, they are the one who guides us whenever we need wisdom and guidance.i really need someone who can help me solve all my problems. someone who were able to dig out the thing that i, myself wouldn't able to give.

Ramadhan Day 5

Without realizing how time flown by, it has been exactly 5 days of Ramadhan and honestly speaking I didn’t even notice it. Yes, time due fly when you are having fun aite? Nevertheless, I don’t really know whether I want the time to pass me just like that. It seems wasted. Five days of Ramadhan and not a single page of Quran I have read and this is just plain stupid. We all have been reminded in every part of our life by many medium and still we take it for granted. I just don’t know how on earth I should move this arse and focus on what’ll benefits me after. Sitting here and do nothing isn’t exactly a brilliant plan but what else could I do? I’m the type that goes to mosque five times per day. I want to but it’s heavy. Too heavy.

Ok, perhaps I should fix that part.

eh?

blogging seems to be out of my reach these days, last time i posted something that is so stupid that reading it back made me puke. i hate it when i went nuts on stupid things. i just hate that personality. there is no mysterious in it, no glamor. zzzzz. yes, im that type of person that crave for attention. LOL. and i like water. who doesn't?

i know this sem break suppose to be my time off with my inner-self. but i couldn't help the fact that i really miss being happy. i dont know why but somehow, i think of myself as someone who doesnt deserve to be happy. i'm just that one guy who will going to be sad for his entire life, being flip over and over again. aint that sad? i think it sad that it makes me tinklish. i hate being sad. but if being sad make me sane, guess i have to live with it.

it's not like being happy is wrong, but being happy with the wrong person can backfire on yourself. im just saying the facts. i've experienced it. and it end up badly. im still recovering from the pain which i dont know what caused it. i thought it was my fault. perhaps it is. i dont know. i'll never know. im just being "OVERLY DRAMATIC". everything i do, did always end up being "OVERLY DRAMATIC". it's like im that one loser who needs your attention and approval. i am certainly NOT. and i dont appreciate that thought. i cant believe it. hoe over buds. this is nuts. i am nuts!

STUPID ME.

i thought of becoming someone else, and run away from here but then i realize that running away is not the solution and believe me when i said that. i just want to be accepted. people might say that u r somebody, but they dont know the truth. i am not. and i just want a friend that can enjoy his/her time with me without having to feel obligated in taking care of me. i dont need that. i have my brothers doing that. and they're doing well. too well. i need a friend or friends who are not afraid to jump over the cliff and bungee jumping with me. friends that no matter what happen stood up for me and sweep me off my sense just to save my ass.friends that dont leave u when they found their so call 'soulmate'. friends who just being friends.

i know im asking too much. but perhaps i do need  to change myself before demanding such requests. i dont mind change for the best. perhaps i do need to change. change is good. change is healthy. but not sex change. that is sooooooo not COOL.

well guess my crappy session ends here. i hope i can do better and live better.before i die.

Help me friends.

Would it be easy to die? im not quite sure. i used to think that people who commit suicide out of heartbreak is stupid. but now im not so sure about it. i never knew that love can be so painful, i have always laugh at those who fell in love and break up.. and end up hating each other. i always belittle them. but now, it happend to me. im heartbroken. i find this very stupid, for letting myself to love someone and what hurts even more is that i knew that this love will never work. but i was to stupid to understand that. i let my guard down. now my heart is no longer in one piece.

i guess this is how my sister felt when she was turned down by that fucking dude. she had it worst than mine. now she need to raise her baby alone. i am lucky, aren't i? but why i feel like im losing something. have loose something genuinely important to me? i loose myself?

Will Allah still accept me, eventhough i'd sinned so many times. i am scare. every moment i feel like committing suicide. every waking moment is painful to me. all the things i've work for, feels like nothing. Oh, Allah, is this what i am to them? is this the beginning of my punishment? i cant take it anymore. Oh Allah, lend me strength to go through all this. i am in no power to move without your will. please forgive my sins oh Allah Almighty. Grant me a path to lead me back to your path Allah. I can no longer continue this road without you, Ya Allah. Help me.

Help me Allah, help me friends. I indeed need your help, i cannot do this anymore. Im crushed. Please, i cant hold this suffering no longer. I dont know what to do.

i complaint!

Man, what a hectic day, assalammualykum peeps,

what cha doin?

This semester proves to be tougher than the last two, i had rough time coping with it. Plus i manage to stay sane throughout this 2 days attending classes. Classes are quite ok..i think. I don't really have the "clashes or rushing" cases that had been bothering the other groups, mine is in perfectly order.

However, the content are really tricky and mind consuming, or at least to me. I think it demand a lot of my efforts. KPP 301* for example, during the class i was having trouble to response and understanding the situation given as well as the explanation. From what i heard, i believe that the lecturer (Dr. Hjh Apetah?) keep on repeating and stressing about the theories such as psychodynamic theory, behaviorism theory that strongly discuss about the children development. 

 Well in this course, it demand our critical thinking in analyzing students development as well as finding a solution based on the theories studied to overcome the growing problem. I think i'll be able to ace this subject, no worries here. :)) teehee!

Another is the Drama subject, sigh...life i full with dramas, that's what i want to response to the lecturer which is Mr Lajiman (his real name) on what is drama. You know to me drama is just a play written by author in portraying issues around them and show it to the audience in a way that is non-offensive at the same time effective. But then again, the true definition according to thefreedictionary.com, a prose or verse composition, especially one telling a serious story, that is intended for representation by actors impersonating the characters and performing the dialogue and action.

what!! quite the same laaa....

i know posting this in a formal way will make it a lil bit cliche but i need to polish my english back, since i have not use it for a very long time... and it is crucial for me to get 4.00 this semester. Here you go, i set my aim and i'll achieve it.

Love to post more, but i have

things to do~

 

Life just being Life

What the hell, if no one likes what i did and will do let them be, i am not here to please them (oh the irony). I'm just freaking clueless with the assignment right now, my progress is nowhere near done oh, this is not great, this is not productive! What should i do to actually start doing it? 

The feeling of accomplishment, is not something that i always have. Everything i did, all of it, seems to me just another lucky charm cast upon me, i don't know for the past years of my life the accomplishment i have made, was is just luck or am i actually accomplished something? I studied, but no, i don't remember anything from my study. Everything seems to be a piece of crap! I don't feel like i have achieve anything. So, what is my real achievement?

Great, thinking way back does not help me at all. I need motivation, MY own motivation not others asserted into my head! I don't want those "You are the last hope of our family", "It's for your own good!" kind of motivation. I don't think they motivate me enough! What to do then? I wake up everyday despite its morning or evening, with nothing particular in my mind. Just another routine day for me, it went by without any special things going on. 

I want to have that real University life, where adventure and friends goes together side by side but, what i have now (i'm not trying to be ungrateful) is something that i have been trying to evade for so long. I used to be very energetic in doing something, well i think i am now but not always, cause there will be something or someone that will rip it out from me. I feel like beating down myself to crap for taking everything what life threw at me. 

I'm going to be an adult, so i should start like one too. But, these habits they are not that easy to kill, it needs time and support from family and friends. The most important part, they need me to always be in good shape physically, mentally and emotionally. I need to be the boss of my body and mind, i shouldn't let myself being to vulnerable, fragile and idiotic. Time will always move forward, it is matter of time when my time will stop ticking. I will never know when.

My Bullsheetness

Yes, i do have wasted my entire time with GLEE and frankly speaking there is a little bit of regrets inside me. The feeling you get after everything you did seems worthless. Maybe not that little but, yeah i do feel it sometimes. Especially when i kinda going on a different direction from where my destiny should be. Well you know what i'm saying? Not feeling into it? Really? Whatever =.="

Speaking about destiny, hmmm... that's a tough thing to talk about. When i was a kid, i've always thought that when i graduated from high school, i would end up being the KB losers! You know those people who don't have anything to do after their school era. I've seen this thing happened over and over and over again. I've seen how my seniors flunked out of high school, ruined their SPM year with stupid, uneducated pranks and end up being the water boy at some old coffee stall. People, i am not insulting what they do or anything, it's just that these youngster have a future that could help them survive this cruel, merciless society. But seeing them throwing away their future just for a cigarette or top up card, this is just stupid. Students flunking out from school will only lead to another worst, inexplicable results. They could be criminals. Yeah, try to think it this way

NO CERTIFICATES/SKILLS  => NO ONE HIRING THEM => NO JOB => NO MONEY => NO FOOD => HUNGRY => WANT TO EAT => BUT NO MONEY => DESPERATE => ROB AN OLD LADY => GOT BEATEN DOWN BY THAT OLD LADY => END UP IN PRISON => IF YOU LUCKY NO ONE WILL TOUCH YOU => IF NOT, YOU'LL SEE => GET OUT FROM PRISON => BAD RECORD => NO ONE WILL HIRE YOU AGAIN => AND THE CYCLE CONTINUES.

However, flunking out from school doesn't make one a loser. And i'm drained.

i am a scumbag

i had ruined my life. for quite a number of years i have been trying to keep balance in my life, to make it smooth for me and everyone else. but now, i dont think i can do it anymore, for i had ruined my life for nothing to gain. i had jeopardized my own future and broke every promise i'd made.  i do not know the reason of my behavior. i have becoming too dull, idle and ignorant. i am not what i used to be. is this the consequences? the effects? the outcome to my selfishness? have i not be a good person for quite some time? am i not worthy of a good future? i thought i was a good man but, i was WRONG. I was never a good man, i was and still am the man who seek advantage from the weak. Prey for luxury. I am a bad, wicked, sneaky person. I dont deserve a friend. Apparently, i dont deserve anything! I dont deserve to be treated like a fair human being, i am merely an animal trapped in a human form. YES, i am not worthy of this luxury, pleasure and friendship. I am best ALONE. Best to be leave alone and hated by everyone. For everything i'd done bring nothing but misery and failure. I am a failure, an omen to people around me. Even death distance himself from me. What am i, really meant in this world?

take the time to look within u

there's a lot of thing in this world that we dont really know about, a new place, new food, new stuff and perhaps the new side of an old friend that we never even bother to take time and see it...we often take our friends for granted and  i meant myself, we had always expecting them to be in our side, to back us up whenever we are in trouble...but let's be honest, ask yourself are you a perfect friend for your friends?

scared?

sometimes i wonder, will i ever be the same person as i was? will it be okay for me to move on and forget about the past but, if i do isn't that suppose to mean that i need to let it all go? let my past that had shaped me go away? if i let it go will it be even better? honestly, i myself are not sure of the outcome. i am scared of moving on, i am scared of forgetting every bits that makes me who i am...and i am truly scared of losing my inner self...the person i used to be...what will i do to tarnish these feelings ? i will never know.

sometimes you just scared that someone might use you for their gain and what is worst that you letting them doing that knowing it would kill you later, i have been into these kinda state before and it did not go so well. i have been used a couple of times, mentally and physically..and im breaking all the rules by telling this publicly...this is a secret that suppose to be keep out from anyone knowing it or to smell it. Honestly, how can one live with knowing himself had been feasting by some inhuman creature only to please them? been treated as something less than animal...

i need to get this thing outta of my mind, it is not healthy and it is not something i want to grow up with...but i was too late...i was damn too late to take the action...i was a coward and i let myself to indulge in that disgusting action....and now i don't know what stopping me from doing it all over again...i am restraining myself from falling all over again...but lately i find myself dying trying to stop myself..can i even stop this madness...

Don't lose your essence!

Though life is harsh, pull yourself together and keep on walking to the future. Never stops your journey halfway, let the pain be your teacher as you gain experience through the hard way. When you reach the highest strata of the pyramid, immerse yourself in humbleness and integrity values, don't you ever forget who yourself is.

to abah and mak: 

p/s i miss you, al-fatihah

Losing myself

Im just tired with myself....i cant discipline my attitude, my thinking sucks and i believe that im falling backwards! what is worst i dont even care about it. Oh dear, this is the attitude i have been avoiding...urgghhhh i need shut this attitude away!! GET AWAY u freaky, lazy ME!!! i need a balance person in me to make things organize....but with everything happening now i dont think it will be that easy...i just dont want to lose myself...

they say this, we prove that...

crazy week aite~~

5 more days to go and b4 that Assalammualykum...

i kept thinking bout my mom, what will happen to her after this..she seems to be CLUELESS.

I wanted the best for her and she wanted the same for me, she wants me to focus on my study which i doubt i will...but with all that happened i cant back down yet. Not at this rate.

TM, hmmm is hard for me to tell you bout TM serius! nothng special bout it to those yg mmg xleh hidup dgn gadget...for me TM serve as the best place to relieve one tension, SERIUS. Kalu nk mandi sungai, off ja ke Sg Samak, kalu nk berkayak...lepak ja kt tasik PCity..mmg best la TM, yg xbestnya xsemua benda tu kita buleh buat..time constraint and lack off friends (yg lasak) mbantut semua tu...

i still remember what my lecturer said to us in our 1st semester, Mrs Napisah... 

"They said UPSI student have no social life, change that"

that is why i wanted to create my own life, a life that is free from fakers and crybabies, a life that i can look back and not regretting the thing i've done...that one life meant for me.

what kind of life do u want?

Crazy?

alahaii..semua kawan2 dah start mood nk balik TM..yang aku ni dulu ria2 sangt nk balik..skarang ni dah rasa malas nk pikiaq pasai upsi, stadi n degree...la ni semua serba xkena..kat mana aku pusing mesti sangkut..to be honest aku pun dah penat la nk go on dgn semua ni...putting a smile on your face while deep inside you're in pain..its not that easy man...

aku kalau bleh mmg nk lupakn semua kisah silam, mmg betul2 nk move on..tpi every time i've tried, it will only stomp me back..aku ni dah betul2 celaru pikiran dan aku xperlukn benda remeh untuk mencelarukan lagi...aku ni bukan jenis manusia yg suka memikirkan apa yg org pikir, dan aku paling rimas bila ada manusia yg tak reti akan maksud "drop it" as if drop the matter, i dont want to prolong things..aku ada benda yg lebih penting kalau nk dibandingkn dgn hal perasaan n hati...seriously AKU MUAL!

dan aku pun sebnarnya sick with myself la...sbb perangai hippo aku datang blik..kalula berkemampuan aku utk sepak muka aku ni,, dah lama doh aku buat...tpi skarang ni aku tgk diri aku makin malas, aku xmarah kt org lain aku cuma FURiOUS dgn diri sendiri...xmampu nk jaga diri...

lately, a lot of things happened and i dont expect anyone to notice it..dan aku sendiri rasakn lbih baik kalu org luar xpayah nk interfere dgn privasi aku unless aku sndiri yg come forward..dan i really appreciate kalau cerita yg aku ceritakan tidak diceritakan kpd org lain...my story, keep it private...

again i felt stupid with my action, so start dari skarang i have to create boundaries...mmg la seronok tgk org sronok...tpi apa yg seronok kalu keseronokan org lain come with a price...

p/s: rindu abah, al-fatihah...

Reunion and Raya!

Shaggy, Messy and Chill~

Creating a new persona in leading a new life.

Assalammualykum my friends,

I walk through these days with a blank mind, but deep inside tingling a pinch of hope that all these things would only be a nightmare.

Lately, life has been quite normal, i manage to pull myself together, however to keep myself in order proves to be a challenge. 

It's been a month and 9 days since abah left us, he died due to 2nd heart attack which left us dumbfounded about it. I find it hard to verbally express myself in public hence blogging seems to be a good medium. It's been too long i used to blog, i thought my life was in its perfectly arrange order, but late tragedy prove otherwise.

I left my conscious behind with my sanity back in the hospital, living like a zombie, nodding every words they said and mumbling every time people ask for response. I don't know what to do anymore and i don't have someone to turn to. Having all these thing clinging around me making it impossible for me to breathe in air. All of these congested, dark history of my past and family really taken me hard.

I wanted to chase everything out and find someone i can rely on, but no one seems to understand or even try to or maybe they did but i was too blind to see.

Thinking a lot of things would do me no good, i don't want to blame it on fate that let what happen happened, certainly i will not shift the blame to someone else. But i have always wondering why us? Why it has to be my mother and father and why me?

Do they know how hard for mom and dad to raise them?

How shame they were when 'it' happened?

 How ungrateful a child can be?

After all these silly question,  

i found this...

 

to abah: al-fatihah and i miss you...

Nothing in Comparison...

A father's love is equal to your mother's...

Assalammualykum my friends,

Ramadhan is leaving, and i didn't do my best in this madrasah al-mubarak..what a waste. I'll never know whether i would live long enough to have another Ramadhan, but if i do, i will do it with all my heart. 

I miss my abah dearly, i miss the moment where he would be in the living room, greeting me every time my face pops out in front of the door, every moment i woke up from my deep sleep, and every second he was around to share knowledge and thinking. I took him for granted. Now, regrets approaching.

When he was alive, i had always compared him in my thoughts to someone else father, how i wish he would be a great dad who loves us dearly, who would show his love by buying us gifts and present. A father that a son can be proud of. I was naive to understand that.Too naive.

I can never understand a father's love, his love towards his children, the children that he grew with joy and sorrow. 

 As Syawal approaching, my wishes to everyone a very "Happy Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir dan Batin"

 

and to abah: al-fatihah,and i miss you.

p/s: i'm PROUD of you!

Be strong!

I miss my Abah. Al-fatihah for Abah.

Assalammualykum,

Hey everyone, I have nothing to blog right now, everything seems to be blank whenever i'm on keyboard..it wasn't like this when i'm doing nothing. Inspiration slipped away. Bummer.

Anyway i do have few things to point our here, i don't know how am i suppose to deliver my wrecked thoughts here...everything is messy. First i was thinking about my doing these days, i do feel like the 'titanic' sinking down after damaged by "the iceberg". Honestly, i am confused and the only thing i feel appropriate now is to be quiet and gentle with everyone.  I wanna talk to someone about it, but to whom? It is damn tiring having to debate with yourself, and the motion wont develop so with the idea.

I thought i'm strong enough to face this!

Other times, i don't really have feeling and everything just fall on its place so it doesn't bother me much. Sigh, i'm reaching my limits here, don't really have anything left to say...

And again , i'm confused about my friends status...most of them had some misunderstanding going on and i can't really side with anyone so i'm being neutral here..again! This is frustrating, not to see everyone together.

So, peace out!

p/s: i'm getting rusty!

Feel, Felt.

Will it be difficult to forget your loved ones? I never felt this kind a feeling before, but i had always seen it in dramas and stuff, it full with crap i thought. Now, i see it in real life. My life.

I'm numb, so i won't be feeling anything for the rest of my life.