the joker is so cruel.

i lost my wallet with all my belongings; mycard, atm cards, my personal information...everything. but the important thing that tied me to the lost is the fact that the wallet is the only thing that reminds me of my late father, a fragment of him that i always hold dearly. i feel really bad of losing his stuff. a part of me wants to jump from this building and let myself suffer but then it would be stupid and gonna cause a hell lot of drama. i dont really care about the items inside the wallet, truth is i feel stupid for losing something that important to me. i hate it, i hate myself. i know memories are one thing that linger in your mind but a medium is one thing that strengthen the memories. i lost one thing that reminds me of him and now, i lost another. idiot.

although i wanted to say more, i dont think i should dwell on this anymore. everything happens for a good reason. i still have ALLAH with me. that is one thing i do not want to lose. i dont care if my housemate treat me like crap or my roommate decide to take his own way in time i need him the most. i just dont care. i come here alone and let me leave here alone.

someone to look up to

when i think about my life, i've always thought having the perfect role model for myself. someone that i can look up to. but the thing is that i dont think i have the right one to be or should i say i have nobody to look up to. of course there will always be my teachers, lecturers and seniors...but how far would any of them willing to spend their time on me. filling me with knowledge and wisdom. NOT A SINGLE MINUTE. to me a role model is not just a person we look to or someone that we set as an example for us to follow. a role model is more than that, they are the one who guides us whenever we need wisdom and guidance.i really need someone who can help me solve all my problems. someone who were able to dig out the thing that i, myself wouldn't able to give.

Ramadhan Day 5

Without realizing how time flown by, it has been exactly 5 days of Ramadhan and honestly speaking I didn’t even notice it. Yes, time due fly when you are having fun aite? Nevertheless, I don’t really know whether I want the time to pass me just like that. It seems wasted. Five days of Ramadhan and not a single page of Quran I have read and this is just plain stupid. We all have been reminded in every part of our life by many medium and still we take it for granted. I just don’t know how on earth I should move this arse and focus on what’ll benefits me after. Sitting here and do nothing isn’t exactly a brilliant plan but what else could I do? I’m the type that goes to mosque five times per day. I want to but it’s heavy. Too heavy.

Ok, perhaps I should fix that part.

eh?

blogging seems to be out of my reach these days, last time i posted something that is so stupid that reading it back made me puke. i hate it when i went nuts on stupid things. i just hate that personality. there is no mysterious in it, no glamor. zzzzz. yes, im that type of person that crave for attention. LOL. and i like water. who doesn't?

i know this sem break suppose to be my time off with my inner-self. but i couldn't help the fact that i really miss being happy. i dont know why but somehow, i think of myself as someone who doesnt deserve to be happy. i'm just that one guy who will going to be sad for his entire life, being flip over and over again. aint that sad? i think it sad that it makes me tinklish. i hate being sad. but if being sad make me sane, guess i have to live with it.

it's not like being happy is wrong, but being happy with the wrong person can backfire on yourself. im just saying the facts. i've experienced it. and it end up badly. im still recovering from the pain which i dont know what caused it. i thought it was my fault. perhaps it is. i dont know. i'll never know. im just being "OVERLY DRAMATIC". everything i do, did always end up being "OVERLY DRAMATIC". it's like im that one loser who needs your attention and approval. i am certainly NOT. and i dont appreciate that thought. i cant believe it. hoe over buds. this is nuts. i am nuts!

STUPID ME.

i thought of becoming someone else, and run away from here but then i realize that running away is not the solution and believe me when i said that. i just want to be accepted. people might say that u r somebody, but they dont know the truth. i am not. and i just want a friend that can enjoy his/her time with me without having to feel obligated in taking care of me. i dont need that. i have my brothers doing that. and they're doing well. too well. i need a friend or friends who are not afraid to jump over the cliff and bungee jumping with me. friends that no matter what happen stood up for me and sweep me off my sense just to save my ass.friends that dont leave u when they found their so call 'soulmate'. friends who just being friends.

i know im asking too much. but perhaps i do need  to change myself before demanding such requests. i dont mind change for the best. perhaps i do need to change. change is good. change is healthy. but not sex change. that is sooooooo not COOL.

well guess my crappy session ends here. i hope i can do better and live better.before i die.